I really needed to find this today!!

So today I was looking online for motivation...I decided to start a new blog, I logged into Blogger and found my own blog from years ago! What better place to start for motivation! I am even heavier now than I was when I started this blog originally. I really need help, I do not know how I am going to make losing weight my priority BUT I have to do this.

Today my weight is now 410 pounds and I want to lose at least 200 pounds. Whoever said that overeating is not an addiction LIED!!! I can stop any other thing except food. If I didn't need to eat to survive it would be easy! I used to smoke years ago and quit cold turkey, I still crave cigarettes but I don't do it! I need to dig deep within and figure out what it is going to take for me to lose this weight.

Dear God hear my prayers! I do not want to be in the shape that I am in any longer!! 

This is a picture that was taken on March 22, 2014, my granddaughters 7th birthday (she is the one to the far right.) I was not going to go into the water park this day. I just wanted to be a spectator, only at this particular water park they do not have spectator passes! Since I was forced to pay full price I decided I had to face my fears and go have a good time and pray that no one says anything nasty to me and crush my spirit! I have to honestly say I had a great time!! There were times I questioned how people were looking at me and think maybe saying smart comments about me, BUT I wasn't there for them, I was there for a birthday celebration and soo happy that I was!! I have not blogged in some years, I have gained ALL the weight I lost  and even gained 18 more!! Today I am starting back at 404 pounds as of this morning. A few weeks ago I weighed 420.4!! I have been going through a lot of stress lately and in the past year alone I have gained 30-40 pounds!! I got comfortable in a relationship, my oldest daughter moved back home, my son got into some trouble and I had 5 adults, a puppy and a small child living under one roof! I'm surprised I haven't lost my mind! It was after this little vacation that I went on for one night and one day that I realized my love for water again! It has been years before I have allowed myself to go swimming in public. Every time I would go with my children to a beach or something of the sort, some teenager or even a little older would have to poke fun and say something mean or even harass me because of the extra weight.I am a very strong minded woman, but the thing that will hurt me quicker than almost anything in my life other than my family is to say something about my size. It crushes me and I am lifeless. I have no comebacks, nothing smart or mean to say back, I can't speak and I just want to remove myself from where I am immediately. You would think at my age I wouldn't care, but it hurts. People judge you on a number of many things and they do not know what you have been through, the journey that got you to where you are today. And they don't  care! So after spending time with my babies in the hotel pool and then to this water park and swam at both, I realized I am depriving myself of the things that I love in life. We only have one life and I am not living it how I want to. After I left here, I decided that I am going to get a membership at the YMCA and start my weight loss journey again and start off with swimming.I feel I am mentally ready and it is a long time coming!  Monday night after work I went and paid for a 6 month membership. Tuesday I started swimming!! Tuesday night I found out that my relationship took a turn and I was devastated! I cried and stayed up all night, Wednesday I did not make it to the pool, I barely made it to work! Tomorrow I will be back at the YMCA and swim again. I felt really good about myself Tuesday after I got up and went to the gym at 5:30am. I would have went Wednesday too I just couldn't pull it together. I am working on feeling better and I think that things will  be ok. I think Satan threw me that curve ball and that is why this happened as it did. I will make it through this journey and no matter what comes my way it can and will be overcome. I have lost16 pounds so far this month. It is moving back in the right direction and I am starting to feel better about myself again. I want this to be the last time I go on and off a weight-loss program.I am just making moderate changes for now and will implement more later. Things I am doing now are not eating after 6, drinking water and no pop or a lot of juices that have tons of sugar in them. I started swimming laps as of this week. I really do not eat fast food except for Subway at this time. These are just some of the things I have decided to do. Like I said this will change. I am going to swim laps for awhile until I feel comfortable doing more. I will also add walking in the mix as well!

Heartbroken or was I mistaken?

Two nights ago my son wanted to go to the store. We go and look around going our separate ways. While I was alone I hear a guy yell something really loud towards my direction about a video. I didn't hear the first few words that he had said, but I know he said it extremely loud. So I proceeded to get what I was looking for and met my son in front of the store. Once we got to the truck my son asked me if I had seen what was going on. No, I said. He said "Mom, I think those kids were making fun of you and even video taped you on their phone!" I really didn't want to hear anymore about it because I would get upset . I did not wanna cry or get upset about it in front of him ( My son is 14) As I thought about the fact that someone would be so cruel to go to the extreme of recording me...I started to tear up. Me being upset then went on to my son and he got mad that they hurt my feelings. Anyhow my son could have misinterpreted what had happened and I always worry about people making fun of me and judging me so I ran with what my son thought. Anyhow it crushed my spirit. I went home and cried. Then the next day woke up and cried again at the thought of what happened. I had a headache most of that day from being so upset.

My son and my sister ended up talking about what happened and he asked her if he could mow her grass to make some money to take me out and get my nails done. ( he will make his wife happy one day once he has one ...years from now!!!) I have gotten over it but If in fact what we believe happened, I know they will get theirs back later. It was just terrible. I had such a great day that day until this incident happened and it just ruined how I was feeling all around.

People are cruel and it is very sad that others get great joy out of making someone else feel bad about themselves. Instead of feeling bad I should have been thinking about where I have come from and not let them steal my joy. I used to weigh 402 and have lost 50 pounds HAD I FORGOTTEN ?!? No one knows better than I do how hard that was and how I am still working on me. It doesn't matter what they think but the fact that it was done in front of my son really made it hurt even more. I don't want to embarrass anyone because of my size and whether or not that is the case that is how I felt.

90 days at a time!

With the amount of weight I want to lose seeing the finish line is overwhelming! I think about how far I have and decide to just do what I want because i will never make it to the end! In reality had I have stuck with it when I originally started the dieting cycle I would have made it over a decade ago If I would have just hung in there. I have been hearing the phrase "90 days" alot in the past few months I read an awesome book called "Start Somewhere" That was when I was first introduced to 90 days. Then the week after that my pastor was talking about "Just give it 90 days" and recently I seen it somewhere else. So Guess what I am gonna do ?!?.... I am gonna Give it 90 days!

In the past two weeks I have really stopped the fast food. I seriously am a fast food junkie with how busy my life is. I decided to slow that down drastically. I have also wrote everything I eat in a food journal. Something I hate doing. I know that it works because it is a way to hold myself accountable.

In the past two weeks with just those two changes I lost 12 pounds! That's right 12 big ones baby! I know this is not going to always be a big loss but I will take it and run with it. I am so happy with that loss I woke up singing and dancing. I took 3 new body shots so that I can get back on to taking the pictures so I have comparison shots thru my journey. I did take a break of a few months and did what I wanted to. I am back to where I was again and I am not going to meetings but hope that writing in a food journal can replace my meetings for now.

I am terrible of being here on a regular basis, I will however do my best to get regular writings in whenever possible. It is baseball season for my son and that keeps us gone alot! I love it tho! have a great day and if I am not here before...have an AWESOME FOURTH of JULY!!!!

Meetings Required !!

I went back to WW Two weeks ago and I have lost 5 pounds. I could have been so much further in my journey, had I not decided to give myself a break! So out of the 17 pounds I had gained I am at 12 since I lost the 5. I have to get focused and just continue on a downhill spiral from here. I know there are going to be setbacks but 17 pounds was a hell of a big hit!!

I have to get control of alot of other aspects other than my weight. I am not a planner, which would make things easier if I were. I am such a picky eater which makes it hard or I would just cook my meals for the week on Sunday and have everything prepared. I also am a huge procrastinator. So I can see how things have gotten out of control in my life. I have always had this excuse and that excuse why I could not do this. In reality I am afraid!

I believe I am afraid because all of my life I have used my weight to protect me. It protected me from doing things I didn't want to, from being in relationships where I would get hurt, (I always control those to) People would fear me because of my size (and of course my big mouth) and I liked that. It stopped me from being a victim again , from being hurt physically, emotionally, mentally (food never talked back and was always there to comfort me) and honestly it has put me in a place that now I wish I would have never created ... Fear has ruined my life and I am here to take it back!

There are times when I am alone, I sit in my room and think of what I have done to myself and I just cry and feel that it is hopeless. I have dug myself in so deep that it will not change overnight and it hurts me. I put on a fasade to make everyone think that the fat, funny girl is OK and has everything under control. That is so far from the truth! People are so quick to judge others on what they see on the outside, not caring about any more than appearance. If we would only stop judging others and worry about what we have to fix in our own lives, life would be so much better. When someone looks at me they see fat, I am more than that I allowed fat to be a cover and hide me from the world ! I only wish I had not done that. It is to late for wishes and dreams. I can have the dreams but without action they will never come true.

It is time to put the dream back and leave the rest behind. But, back to my title!! I realized thru taking my break that I need my WW meetings (HATE paying for them) I know thru experience that I love the people who go and we all support each other. The regulars are like family and I love it!! So yes for now the meetings are required and I have to continue to find means to continue to pay for them!!

Okay...Okay... I knew better!!

This is the last day of February of 2010. I took a break from counting points/calories/exercising/journal ling/ and everything that dealt with my health months ago! *sigh*

So, I took a break during Thanksgiving/Christmas which went thru into the New Year and all the way thru the past 2 months! Oy Vey!! I have gained 17 pounds back in 4 months!! I didn't think it would matter that much, But it did! I went to the Dr's 2 weeks ago and asked her to tell me what was the last weight that she had recorded in my file. The last time I had been to the Dr was right before the holidays started. I knew it would have been at my lowest since I started WW. She read the number...... I will never forget the shame and remorse that I felt at that moment. I was very disappointed in myself. I hung my head and said I knew I gained, but I thought it was 10 pounds at the most! I let her know that I stopped WW during the holidays and we both said to each other, that it is something that I should not have done. I no longer felt awesome like I had when I was working out and watching what foods went into my mouth. I stopped holding myself accountable and sabotaged myself again. But the good thing is I will not allow that to stop me. All that happened was a small bump in the road on my weight loss journey. At the time it felt like a pothole the size of a semi..but nothing I can not work thru and successfully achieve my goal.

I told myself that I can do this without my WW meetings and I can't! I need a good support system and whether or not I want to spend that money... It is something that I have to do for now till I can do it on my own. I may have to go to WW all of my life, even once I have lost the all of the extra weight. It is what it is.

After 4 months of eating junk and unhealthy foods, I feel lazy, tired, sluggish, depressed and winded. I feel unattractive, lumpy and disgusted. My body aches and I have no energy. When I was eating better choices of food and working out, I felt like "Wonder Woman" It was amazing how I felt and I want to feel like that again. When I was working the program,eating right and exercising I felt on top of the world and I want that feeling again!!

Tomorrow I start back with my early morning work outs and I am back to doing what was working for me before. I am going back to my WW Meeting on Tuesday and it is on again!! I can not allow 4 months to turn into years as I have done in the past. I am just sad that I let myself think that because it was the holidays that I deserved to take a small break . If I had done anything as far as taking a break it should have been to make better choices during the holiday season and allow myself a few bites of my favorite goodies only for that day and work out extra to allow for the extra temptations.

I know how it works ... Calories in Calories out .. There has to be a balance. It is ok to eat your favorite foods, just in moderation and you can reduce the caloric content without losing the taste. You also have to add that exercise. I am looking forward to getting back on it and feeling wonderful!!

Heres to feeling good once again!!

52 pounds gone

I am just going to post a quickie! I have lost as of today's date 52 pounds! I feel so wonderful. I am having issues of packing up my baggy clothes and I am afraid to give them away for fear I guess of regaining the weight back! That is not a good thing to do. But this is my dilemma at the time. I really do not have alot of time to put this post together but I wanted to document my up to date loss so far!! I will post again soon!