Thursday, March 18, 2010

Meetings Required !!

I went back to WW Two weeks ago and I have lost 5 pounds. I could have been so much further in my journey, had I not decided to give myself a break! So out of the 17 pounds I had gained I am at 12 since I lost the 5. I have to get focused and just continue on a downhill spiral from here. I know there are going to be setbacks but 17 pounds was a hell of a big hit!!

I have to get control of alot of other aspects other than my weight. I am not a planner, which would make things easier if I were. I am such a picky eater which makes it hard or I would just cook my meals for the week on Sunday and have everything prepared. I also am a huge procrastinator. So I can see how things have gotten out of control in my life. I have always had this excuse and that excuse why I could not do this. In reality I am afraid!

I believe I am afraid because all of my life I have used my weight to protect me. It protected me from doing things I didn't want to, from being in relationships where I would get hurt, (I always control those to) People would fear me because of my size (and of course my big mouth) and I liked that. It stopped me from being a victim again , from being hurt physically, emotionally, mentally (food never talked back and was always there to comfort me) and honestly it has put me in a place that now I wish I would have never created ... Fear has ruined my life and I am here to take it back!

There are times when I am alone, I sit in my room and think of what I have done to myself and I just cry and feel that it is hopeless. I have dug myself in so deep that it will not change overnight and it hurts me. I put on a fasade to make everyone think that the fat, funny girl is OK and has everything under control. That is so far from the truth! People are so quick to judge others on what they see on the outside, not caring about any more than appearance. If we would only stop judging others and worry about what we have to fix in our own lives, life would be so much better. When someone looks at me they see fat, I am more than that I allowed fat to be a cover and hide me from the world ! I only wish I had not done that. It is to late for wishes and dreams. I can have the dreams but without action they will never come true.

It is time to put the dream back and leave the rest behind. But, back to my title!! I realized thru taking my break that I need my WW meetings (HATE paying for them) I know thru experience that I love the people who go and we all support each other. The regulars are like family and I love it!! So yes for now the meetings are required and I have to continue to find means to continue to pay for them!!