Monday, March 30, 2009

All or Nothing!

OK, so I have always had an all of nothing mentality! That way of thinking has caused my failures a hundred and some times. I can not think of it in that way no more. I now know that it has been a huge factor whether I succeeded or not.

The goals I set for myself were always to high! 1) drink 8-8 ounce glasses of water. 2)exercise 6 days a week. 3)Keep calories below 1,800. 4)walk 10,000 steps a day. I could go on and on And all of these goals are attainable But I would want them from the moment I started and when it was not to my liking I would give up. I would always lose a certain amount of weight then once that 1st 20 pounds was lost I would think of how much more I would have to lose and just say I will never get there I have entirely too much to weight! That all or nothing mentality is a bust!

Baby steps and habits are what I am going for now and so far so good. I am truly working on that water it is so hard for me to get my water in. Tonight I started working out so I walked a 17 minute mile. I am going to continue to increase but for right now that kicked my tail! and I am going to aim for three times this week. If I get in more that's great but I will not beat myself up if I don't. I also had a hell of a time with dinner tonight! My kids wanted fried chicken wings! FRIED WINGS Oh how I wanted them ....drenched in ranch dressing and hot sauce! BUT I made myself some chicken and rice and some sweet potatoes instead of french fries! I was very proud of myself But it was so damn hard!!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Aches and Pains.

Woke up this morning to shoulder pains and a backache. But those are only a small amount of the pains that I have. My heart aches because of my size and how I have lost control. I have done anything I truly wanted in life (almost.) but, the ONE thing I want the most, my health and lose the extra weight. Even tho I am the size of 3 people (YES 3!) who would weigh around 129 each. try carrying two extra people around on your back,your hips, thighs and don't forget on your belly and chest and see if you have enough energy to make it thru the entire day! That makes me a warrior to do all of that, but I cant do it no more. The life I have lived and to overcome has also made me the warrior I am today also But I need to be that person without the weight/mask that I am wearing!

I don't want to be 129 or even 140 or 150. My goal weight would be between 160 and 180. I would love to be in that weight range. Can I be that size tomorrow? (it would be nice!) but no it will probably take me about 2 years to 2 and 1/2 years. Is it worth it?! You bet it is and that is my goal. I welcome this journey. It will help me get and acquire the tools I will need to take it with me thru to the end. The end meaning with the last breath that I take. I will have to do this forever once I have accomplished my weight loss.

As sad as it sounds I don't live a day without fear. Fear of speaking in front of crowds and I have so much that I could speak about and help others with. I have such a testimony and don't tell it to others that don't know me. I have a lot of life lessons that I can teach and help others with. Fear I will be humiliated in front of my children and friends by someone that wants to be a jerk and make jokes. Fear that I will not fit in a chair or even worse if I do fit in it, will it with stand all of my weight and be kind enough not to break!? So I usually stay home unless I have to go out. I have limited friends and not a lot of family so that makes it easy for me to live this life of not interacting with others.

So as you can see my aches and pains come mostly from the heart and mind. But I have so many reasons to lose the weight and mostly because I am tired and want to live an active and healthy life. I miss horseback riding so much among other activities, running being one I miss also. I just want to be able to live life unlike I am know and letting life pass me !

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I have allowed my weight to define who I am.

Hi! My name is Colette and as of today, I am 43 years old. I will soon be 44. I just want to take a moment to say what has brought me here. I have always been on the heavy side all of my life. When I was 15 years old at 150 pounds I felt like the fattest teenager in the world. (If I only knew then what I do now!) At that time in my life I chose to binge and purge (bulimia) And so that started the vicious cycle of my weight issues. Yes, I had other issues in my life at that time and I believe that's another reason I turned to food, choosing to eat large amounts and causing my body to get rid of it was control for me. It was the only thing I felt I was in control of, because everything around me was falling apart. (I may get into some of those later)

In middle school kids teased me about my size and I felt terrible. In high school I thought I was a decent size but there were still people who thought I should drop off the face of the earth because I wasn't a size 4. I liked my size 14 jeans.Who asked them anyhow!? Screw them! But it starts to sink in and your self esteem can start to weaken. I know mine did! I can not believe I allowed it to happen ,but I did and the weight just kept coming and coming! Why did it have to always find me tho!? There were other people who needed it more than me!! By the time I left high school I weighed in at a whopping 250!

When I started to have children and use that as another excuse to eat more food, I gained and gained more weight on top of that svelte figure I was already rockin'! I didn't mind being a larger size. I didn't have problems with dating or relationships. Finding men was never an issue until I realized looking back that the types of men I attracted were not the types you would want in your life forever. Definitely not husband material !!!! Maybe that would explain why I was engaged several times and never married any of them!

Today I weigh 389.2 I am 5'6". I started losing weight like 29 years ago and I would lose,gain and do it again but the gains overcame the losses. I am tired of of allowing my weight define who I am around others who do not approve of my size! I hate hanging my head in shame because other people do not want to see me. I am a great person, who has a wonderful sense of humor and I don't allow myself to shine completely, because I allow the amount of weight that I carry define who I am. So... I am going to take control back and do it right this time. I started out at 402 pounds the beginning of this year. So slowly I have taken off some weight. It would have been more if I would have been more diligent. But it is going down I do not expect miracles. I am working on making small changes so that they will become habits.

I figured I would start this blog because I have read several others that have inspired me and I love reading other blogger experiences and in hopes that I will become an inspiration to others as well.