Wednesday, March 26, 2014

This is a picture that was taken on March 22, 2014, my granddaughters 7th birthday (she is the one to the far right.) I was not going to go into the water park this day. I just wanted to be a spectator, only at this particular water park they do not have spectator passes! Since I was forced to pay full price I decided I had to face my fears and go have a good time and pray that no one says anything nasty to me and crush my spirit! I have to honestly say I had a great time!! There were times I questioned how people were looking at me and think maybe saying smart comments about me, BUT I wasn't there for them, I was there for a birthday celebration and soo happy that I was!! I have not blogged in some years, I have gained ALL the weight I lost  and even gained 18 more!! Today I am starting back at 404 pounds as of this morning. A few weeks ago I weighed 420.4!! I have been going through a lot of stress lately and in the past year alone I have gained 30-40 pounds!! I got comfortable in a relationship, my oldest daughter moved back home, my son got into some trouble and I had 5 adults, a puppy and a small child living under one roof! I'm surprised I haven't lost my mind! It was after this little vacation that I went on for one night and one day that I realized my love for water again! It has been years before I have allowed myself to go swimming in public. Every time I would go with my children to a beach or something of the sort, some teenager or even a little older would have to poke fun and say something mean or even harass me because of the extra weight.I am a very strong minded woman, but the thing that will hurt me quicker than almost anything in my life other than my family is to say something about my size. It crushes me and I am lifeless. I have no comebacks, nothing smart or mean to say back, I can't speak and I just want to remove myself from where I am immediately. You would think at my age I wouldn't care, but it hurts. People judge you on a number of many things and they do not know what you have been through, the journey that got you to where you are today. And they don't  care! So after spending time with my babies in the hotel pool and then to this water park and swam at both, I realized I am depriving myself of the things that I love in life. We only have one life and I am not living it how I want to. After I left here, I decided that I am going to get a membership at the YMCA and start my weight loss journey again and start off with swimming.I feel I am mentally ready and it is a long time coming!  Monday night after work I went and paid for a 6 month membership. Tuesday I started swimming!! Tuesday night I found out that my relationship took a turn and I was devastated! I cried and stayed up all night, Wednesday I did not make it to the pool, I barely made it to work! Tomorrow I will be back at the YMCA and swim again. I felt really good about myself Tuesday after I got up and went to the gym at 5:30am. I would have went Wednesday too I just couldn't pull it together. I am working on feeling better and I think that things will  be ok. I think Satan threw me that curve ball and that is why this happened as it did. I will make it through this journey and no matter what comes my way it can and will be overcome. I have lost16 pounds so far this month. It is moving back in the right direction and I am starting to feel better about myself again. I want this to be the last time I go on and off a weight-loss program.I am just making moderate changes for now and will implement more later. Things I am doing now are not eating after 6, drinking water and no pop or a lot of juices that have tons of sugar in them. I started swimming laps as of this week. I really do not eat fast food except for Subway at this time. These are just some of the things I have decided to do. Like I said this will change. I am going to swim laps for awhile until I feel comfortable doing more. I will also add walking in the mix as well!