Sunday, March 29, 2009

Aches and Pains.

Woke up this morning to shoulder pains and a backache. But those are only a small amount of the pains that I have. My heart aches because of my size and how I have lost control. I have done anything I truly wanted in life (almost.) but, the ONE thing I want the most, my health and lose the extra weight. Even tho I am the size of 3 people (YES 3!) who would weigh around 129 each. try carrying two extra people around on your back,your hips, thighs and don't forget on your belly and chest and see if you have enough energy to make it thru the entire day! That makes me a warrior to do all of that, but I cant do it no more. The life I have lived and to overcome has also made me the warrior I am today also But I need to be that person without the weight/mask that I am wearing!

I don't want to be 129 or even 140 or 150. My goal weight would be between 160 and 180. I would love to be in that weight range. Can I be that size tomorrow? (it would be nice!) but no it will probably take me about 2 years to 2 and 1/2 years. Is it worth it?! You bet it is and that is my goal. I welcome this journey. It will help me get and acquire the tools I will need to take it with me thru to the end. The end meaning with the last breath that I take. I will have to do this forever once I have accomplished my weight loss.

As sad as it sounds I don't live a day without fear. Fear of speaking in front of crowds and I have so much that I could speak about and help others with. I have such a testimony and don't tell it to others that don't know me. I have a lot of life lessons that I can teach and help others with. Fear I will be humiliated in front of my children and friends by someone that wants to be a jerk and make jokes. Fear that I will not fit in a chair or even worse if I do fit in it, will it with stand all of my weight and be kind enough not to break!? So I usually stay home unless I have to go out. I have limited friends and not a lot of family so that makes it easy for me to live this life of not interacting with others.

So as you can see my aches and pains come mostly from the heart and mind. But I have so many reasons to lose the weight and mostly because I am tired and want to live an active and healthy life. I miss horseback riding so much among other activities, running being one I miss also. I just want to be able to live life unlike I am know and letting life pass me !

1 comment:

  1. i love your story. keep at it. you can sooo do this!

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